I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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