got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
