so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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