I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
