Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
