Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
