I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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