He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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