drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
