what day is it and did you see me today?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
