Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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