I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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