Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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