i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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