He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I supernannyed him into submission
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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