there's paper in my vomit.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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