I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
