who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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