Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
