Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
