tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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