Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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