Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
