I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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