Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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