My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
