allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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