either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
