The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
