I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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