the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
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