I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
