Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
