so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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