Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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