We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
