I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize