I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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