He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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