My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
