he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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