I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
