Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dick very happy bro
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
