Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
