my phone needs a breathalizer
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
