Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
