I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
