Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize