You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
