With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
