upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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