Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
