Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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