Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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