Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
