Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just want to make out with him forever
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
