shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
