got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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