I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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