Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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