a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
